my foot

i have the tendency to shoot myself in the foot,
unintentionally or otherwise.

oops! there goes my little toe.
doh! there goes the one next to it.
ouch! two more left...

someone please take my gun away from me before i lose a limb :P

suck it up

be a man.
kick some ass.

... but this is hard.
she is always on my mind...

be a man.
suck it up! suck it up!

strange thing

its such a strange thing...
love can give you resolve to do anything for others,
even the act of denying it to yourself.

i need to think about it...
or maybe i just shouldn't at all.
lets see how long i can last.

the economics of the heart

pain is the currency of the heart.
it is the price to pay and the cost to bear...
for love in return.

meaning?

what does it all mean?
i'm thinking...
what happened? what should i get from it?
i don't know. i'm still in the dark.
do i regret it?
no no, i don't. it isn't really that bad.
so it wasn't a mistake?
it just didn't turn out the way i expected, thats all.
so what now Einstein?
life. it just goes on. try to keep up.

to keep or not to keep

there are things better off left unsaid... so goes the phrase.
why? i don't want to keep it.
would knowing something hurt more than being lied to?
frankly, i'd rather know. let me decide what is painful and what is not.
but still we keep... because, its not so much we are afraid of hurting someone.
its that we are more afraid the consequences of telling might hurt us back.
you see, we are all selfish creatures in the end.
so i guess its just easier and less painful to keep than it is to tell.
i have seen things go bad with just a few words and rampant imagination.
keep...
but people aren't stupid. eventually, they'll catch on.
and the longer you keep, the fouler it gets.
don't keep...
i don't know.
what are you not telling me?

pascal

a young man scrambles across the rooftop of a building. the rooftop was quite high, the building was over 70 floors tall, but vertigo was not a concern to him at that moment. for behind him, in hot pursuit was a beastly creature with a pug ugly face and stony skin. it had wings made of stone too but its really not surprising that it can't fly. so the creature chased on all fours like a hound, a very heavy sort of hound.

the young man was fast and he was easily putting some distance between them. but the creature had a way to gain the distance. it slowed down and lowered its body, as if coiling its limbs like a spring. then it launches forward with surprising power, hind legs stretched, wings spread out while in midair to catch the drift. the young man hears the course sound of stone upon stone as the wings snapped open. a gargoyle can't change directions mid-pounce, this is it, this is the moment he thought. his gauntlet crackled with blue energy as he spun around and swung his right gloved fist at the incoming gargoyle. instinctively, he shut his eyes while bracing himself, feet wide apart.

at that instant, energy surged from the building beneath him, through the conduits in his boots, upward through the conductors intricately laced around his well insulated bodysuit. at that same instant, a bolt of white lighting shoots downward and connects with his gauntlet the very same instant it also made contact with the hideous snarling face. there was a blinding flash, a blast of hot explosion, and a thunderous clap. shrapnels of stone and gravel blew apart in all directions. the young man was thrown back, bounced like a skipping stone across the rooftop and off it.

he fell freely for what seems like a long time, at an angle. onto the rooftop of a lower neighbouring building, he fell. the momentum must have been awesome as his body punched through the roof and the floor below it. it caused quite a commotion. fortunately, that building was old and mostly unoccupied.

he wasn't sure how long he was out but the moment he got around, galileo was standing over the him with an outstretched hand. the young man reached out and he noticed that his gauntlet was split open like a daisy, revealing his own hand. he flexed his fingers, nothing was broken, and let out a sigh of relief.

"that's the third glove you've broken this month", said gally as he grabbed hold of the hand and helped the young man up from the small crater. "good thing you had the absorber bandolier on too... otherwise, i'd be mopping you off the floor right now".

the young man hung around gally's shoulder. he was groggy and his ears were still ringing from the explosion but he grinned as if he could hear what his friend was saying. he asked, "wh-what about the gargoyle?"

"what gargoyle?", gally replied with a wink. "let's get out of here before the cops show up". gally flicked a switch on his belt, there was a hum followed by a slight sizzle before they both disappeared out of sight.

difference

the difference that makes no difference is no difference at all

huh?

what if it should not have been what it has become and what if something was meant to be but it isn't anymore, will it make a difference to ponder over where it is concerned if there was one to be made or does it matter not as it stands, never has, never will until something changes otherwise unexpectedly?
you don't know what i'm talking about right?
good, neither do i... i'm a well trained confusion after all.

learn or be uneducated

on friday, i got shitfaced with the guys at voodoo. it was KW's bachelor bash but we know its just a good excuse to drink ourselves silly. its been awhile and i've never been much of a drinker. still i held my liqour. eric was sitting over a puddle of his dinner, head down, hands clasped over the head, begging the fellas to fetch him home. nobody did. the rest were pretty much zonked-out from the loud music and 5-and-half bottles of black label. i was still up and walking around, and i swear, the skirts get shorter by the hour. i had my first and second drag because i felt, heck, screw-it... frankly, smoking is kinda "~meh".

still, it was a good night.

it was the morning after. i only had 3 hours of sleep and i got up to go to the post office to collect a "parcel". this was because pos-malaysia has a bad habit of delivering stuff when people are at work. still, i can't complain, it was a painless process and i had it done in a few minutes.

i was hungry.

the jelutong morning street market was behind the post office and i felt really good that morning. i had a distinct clarity in my mind and calmness to my soul. so i went strolling along the streets and stalls under a surprisingly hot 9am sun. it was good. i felt in control. i thought i'd have some prawn noodles then and got to a kopitiam. there were no more tables available so i shared one with an older man. his body rocked back and forth slightly as if stricken with mild parkinson's, so i asked him. he smiled and politely said it was habitual then bid good-day and left.

i thought about the events that transpired over the week.

i finished my noodles and sipped on my warm milo, deep in thought. an older lady asked if she could share the table with me. i smiled and she sat down. she was probably middle aged, had short hair, dark complexion, a slightly jutting chin and wore spectacles with pinkish hued lenses. she looked at me sideways for a bit, as if sizing me up. then she launched into a series of questions. how old was i? am i still studying or working? what i did for a living? i thought, mind your own business lady but i answered as politely as i could without revealing too much and wore an expression of mild discomfort and suspicion.

i hate sharing information with strangers.

but she continued. she didn't speak very good english but i think she knew what she was talking about. and she had an intent, that was to give me a piece of her mind (it was with good intentions i believe). i could tell she was a proud woman. first she talked about learning and that the moment we stop learning, we become uneducated. she talked about doing her part to communicate the benefits of living in malaysia to ex-malaysians that she happen to chance upon, so that they would return some day. she talked about how the media is misleading and how the government is to be blamed for erroneous dissemination of information. she talked about how people were ignorant to costs borne by under-privileged business-women such as herself (this was after i asked if she used to be a teacher). she also told me about an accident she had the day before where she got hit by a motorcycle while crossing the street and was rudely chastised by the rider for being unobservant. she talked about how the young and professionals despised the elderly and the lower-working class. she talked about ego.

my ego kicked in, i had to give her my 2 cents.

i told her that things happen for a reason. we might not like it and we blame and fault the environment, be it the governing body or the young and what not. and that the only people we can and should control is ourselves. and that life is short and we can't possible change the world in one lifetime. do not falter though, i continued. we shall do it in the next lifetime and the one after and so on. with such things coming out of my mouth, i might have been still high from the night before but it was a buddhist belief that i sometimes doubt. still after saying it, i felt some form of refuge in my words. self-deluding? maybe. but it felt assuring and i was calmer. she stared at me while listening. she countered my opinions.

it went on for a bit.

it started out as a conversation between strangers and grew into a short discourse on life. it wasn't long before i bid her good-day. she urged me to get higher education as i left. i smiled, thanked her and parted. as i strolled back to my car, i pondered... what a strange chance encounter. i have had a hard time in the past week but it was mainly emotional strife which led to me seeking respite in the bash the night before. and here comes along, a stranger who basically made me remind myself to learn from my experiences and continue moving forward. and my own self-re-realization that i need more self-control. and that things, all things, happen for a reason. did i really learn anything from her? perhaps i should be more open, i guess.

still, i'm calm. i'm steady now. i feel at peace.

but it never lasts... an hour later, my self-control was put to the test again...

paranoia

don't make paranoia your life partner,
she is very deceptive and demanding,
and she'll keep you all to herself...

no clean underwear!

i can't really go out on today because i don't have clean underwear. i've just washed all of them some hours ago and they are still drying.

i can't put this on facebook either because its just too embarrassing. but i'm putting it here because i think its funny and i want to remember it.

so all i can do is go for a swim. good thing the only thing she can do right now as well is swim.

the return

somewhere in the world, in a ranch overlooking a vast green field, a horse gives birth. a foal is born, with pale white coat and a little stubble on its crown. the stable keep mutters to his wife, "what is that?". he leans closer for a better look, cleans it, and realizes, "its a little horn!"

somewhere else in the world, deep in the ocean, a slumbering master awakes after a decade of millennia. it slowly stirs the lifeless floor bed, dislodging rocks and boulders on the nearby incline as it uncoils its scaly serpentine body. it stretches its teeth filled maw, huge lungs taking in the ocean and it coughs out a ball of fire. claws dig into the ground, it thrusts itself upward in a single powerful motion and glides away like a giant eel.

somewhere else in the world, a man experiences a sudden blinding pain on his shoulder blades. his hair turns pale as he writhes on the floor of his apartment. his back is on fire, there is blood on his shirt and then on the carpet. his hair turns a luminous golden hue, its glow casts moving shadows on the walls. the man screams, and his back tears, and folds of skin on bone bursts out. the pain has subsided but he is exhausted, his halo lights up the room, and feathers start to sprout on his wings.

ten years ago, i would have thought this was amazing and beautiful. if it were not for the faceless man who spoke to me through my screen one night, i would have remained naive. my computer was not even turned on but there he was, a silhouette against a bright white backdrop on my screen. there was no introduction, just a jarring urgent message.

"the world as you know it will not be the same, you have been selected to join a cadre of agents that champions our cause for order, reason and technology.
there are dark times ahead, a war is brewing, the age of chaos is upon us. magic has returned to our world..."

but i'm a little busy right now, i'll have to tell you the rest some other time. its time i showed this stinking gargoyle who is the boss... -P

again and again and again...

the baby wants attention, he wails, his mother tends to him, feeds him and thus he is satiated
the boy wants joy, he pesters his father for toys, he plays with his friends and thus he is satisfied
the teenager wants freedom, he rebels, he takes his chances carelessly and thus he is released
the graduate wants success, he works on his career, he strives, he climbs and thus he is rewarded
the man wants stability, he seeks, he struts, he promises, he loves and thus he is established
the husband wants responsibility, he plans, he has offspring, he sacrifices and thus he is propagated
the old wants legacy, he shares, he gives, he tells tales, he advices and thus he is remembered
the dying desires life, he regrets, he seeks counsel, he craves endlessly and thus he is reborn-ed

red polka dotted tissue

white piece of tissue
hold against a wound
to soak red drops
turn it, fold it
hold it there again
repeat until it stops

constant in flux

i deeply enjoy a slow drive on the highway on a saturday morning,
there is no traffic, its bright but cool, conditions are perfect,
there is just the road ahead and you know where you're going,
and where it branches, you know where that leads to as well,
and there is no rush because tomorrow is not a monday.

i must accept that time goes by, soon its sunday and then monday,
the roads get crowded, its hot and sweaty, simply uncomfortable,
ahead traffic stands still, everybody has the same destination,
and where the route is shorter, you know its equally contested,
but surely, there will be another saturday, as sure as a monday.

SAMYUTTA NIKAYA

...
The slayer gets a slayer in his turn;
The conqueror gets one who conquers him;
The abuser wins abuse, the annoyer frets.
Thus by the evolution of the deed,
A man who spoils is spoiled in his turn.

~ translated by SIR ROBERT CHALMERS

every little bit counts

i met a man at a parking ticket dispensing machine 2 weeks ago. he was pressing at the buttons vigorously, trying to get his ticket printed, and he pondered aloud, why wasn't it printing. i asked if he had entered his car license number. he tried again but that wasn't it. then it hit him, he didn't insert the minimum payment. so he did and the out came the ticket. he looked triumphant. meanwhile, i muttered under my breath, darn, i'm short 20 cents. he immediately turned to me and handed me the rest of his coins. i refused at first but he smiled and insisted. i thanked him profusely though it was just a few coins, he owed me nothing but left me deeply moved by this simple act of kindness. this young malay man has inspired me, that every little bit of kindness counts and that kindness transcends all...

Life is mostly froth and bubble,
Two things stand like stone,
Kindness in another's trouble,
Courage in your own.

- Adam Gordon

i'm glad on this day that i recall this little story, to have read this little poem and to have this opportunity to share...

daydreams at night

i really hate these moments at night where i lie awake in bed and just day-dream
i'm usually thinking about absurd things, things that i want happen but never will
i think about someone and my thoughts wander, playing out scenarios and conversations
i think about the things i've done and things i should have done, all so regretful and hopeful
i think about the world, about how it was and how its so simple then but not so now, its very disturbing
i think about where we're all heading, betting that all beliefs are wrong but yet hoping that something makes sense in the end
i'm thinking about my calling, about how i don't really live up to my expectations
expectations that i suspect are all shaped by everything around me, such that i'm not sure if its mine to call
i'm thinking my job is simple, but everyone tells me i can do better, live better elsewhere
so much so that i actually believe and try to act on it, but i'm hesitant, i question my nature
i'm thinking how will i live as i age, my body no longer agreeing with me, perhaps it never did
i wish i could make it do what i want, i wish i could just replace the parts that are broken
i wish i could look differently, think differently, feel differently, act differently, all perfect
~sigh
i really hate these restless nights when my head roams and it leads to nowhere but just tired days in the office...

the ice cream man

the ice cream man rides up to the boy standing eagerly by the roadside
his signature jingle playing over loudly i could hear it from the 8th
i imagine the man asks, "what would you like today son?"
"a chocolate flavoured one for myself and a strawberry one for my sis please"
the man smiles, pops open a little cover and reaches into the metal box
out comes two treats in wrappers, one brown and one pink, he holds it in front of him
the boy, eyes wide, gleefully moves closer with coins clenched warmly in his palm
the man drops the ice cream, snaps forward and grabs the boy by the wrist
with his left, he gagged the boy with a chemical laced white handkerchief
the boy struggles for a short moment before going limp, dropping the coins
the ice cream man scans around for witnesses before kicking open the bottom of the box
and swiftly pushes the boy into the secret compartment, then closes it
he scans around again, wipes his brow as he starts up his little vehicle
he putters away, innocent jingle playing, none the wiser, treats melt into the road
i wonder how long it would take before the repeating jingle drives someone mad...

augmented reality display

idea by me

virtual displays using a 3D anchor for distance, size and 3-axis angle placement.

devices:
1. sensory and display eyeglasses:
- stereoscopic high definition cameras mounted on both the left and right sides of the frame, used to capture moving images particularly the distinct image of the anchor.
- transparent or semi-opaque LCD lens to display processed image (overlay over the image of the anchor while parts not covered by image remains transparent).
- 3 accelerometers to allow for accurate head 3-axis movement sensing and positioning.
- wire connected to a processing unit to send stereo image and accelerometer information to it as well as receive audio signals from the processor.
- directional head phone stubs that project audio to the ears. stubs are located near the ear cups for private audio transmissions.
2. processing unit:
- wireless transceiver that receives display data from the anchor and sends instructions to the anchor.
- wire connected to eyeglasses that receives stereo image and accelerometer information for processing and also transmit audio signals to the eyeglasses.
- high speed real time processor that computes the positioning and size of the image to display on the eyeglasses.
3. anchor:
- 3-coloured (red,green,blue) cubes suspended in open space on a stand connected to a base.
- wireless tranceiver on the base to transmit display image and audio to the processing unit as well as receive instructions from the processing unit.
- wired connection to another device (e.g. computer) that generates the image for display.
4. algorithm:
- display image is transmitted with a template cube size.
- size of the image to be displayed is based on the relative size of the cubes calculated against the template cube size. perceived distance is emulated by sizing the image.
- image real-time tilt and roll is calculated based on the 3 eyeglass accelerometers and their relative changes to each other as well as gravity.
- image real-time rotation is based on the relative sizes of the cubes captured by the stereoscopic cameras on the eyeglasses.
- processing unit validates the positioning and size of image by modelling the 3 cubes in a virtual stage and then projects/overlays the result on the image on the eyeglasses.
- tri-coloured cubes give the processor imaging hints such as hue, shadows, lighting, contrast to allow a more life-life image.

diagrams to follow...

downside:
1. not a true depth display, e.g. objects actually in front of the anchor will actually get obscured by the projected image - can be mitigated by blue/green screen behind the anchor.
2. there will always be a noticeable lag unless processing performance is incredible.

my list of top ten anime

ok so far there aren't 10 yet and in no particular order. i'll update with more later, not like anybody is gonna read this anyway...

1) ghost in the shell
2) cowboy bebop
3) mononoke hime
4) samurai champloo

i realize that they are all main stream but heck, they are good...
the reason why i'm listing this is because i was asked what was my favourite anime was and all i could say was ghost in the shell. this is kinda embarrassing as i haven't been watching anime in a while...

what should i do?

should i really find a new job? or do i really just need more interesting hobbies?

my job isn't that bad but its in the way of me doing some things. i might just quit for a year, do what i really want to do and then try to get the job back. will that work? i don't know.

i have a remarkably short attention span which means i can actually try lots of hobbies in one year. in the end, i will still think about whether i should have quit my job and gone studying in australia. i should actually just create a list of things i want to do, prioritize it, rank it on possibility, figure out who i can do most of it with and then set about realizing the top 10 in the list.

best romantic comedy ever

When Harry met Sally

i love the circumstance and story
i love that it took them 12 years to realize that they were right for each other
i love that it hints of destiny where u least expect it
i love the dialog
i love meg ryan's fake orgasm and the lady ordering what she's having scene
i love billy crystal's lines
i love the soundtrack
i love re-watching this and laughing at the technology back in those days

vow of the heavenly legion

like a cancer you ravaged your mother
uncontrollably consumed remorseless
then like a virus you spread to worlds
infecting devouring all relentless
tis regretful that you heed us not
that we who were before you now rise
enraged to restore the divine balance
for we are the scourge from the heavens
that we are cure to the plague that is man

man's ode to the sun

long have you watched us from above
since the time origin we worshiped you
while we nursed growing tenacity in our hearts
soon we shall know your essence divine
and harness your greatness to fuel our lust
so that we may one day live amongst your kind
and thereafter yonder forth we shall surpass

wouldn't it be cool...

i wanted this blog to be like a pensieve in the harry potter books/movies. where you extract a stream of memory/thought and put it in a bowl (a pensieve) and watch it. analyze it. and then later bottle it up, store it away, to revisit next time. so, most of what you read are just that, my thoughts, put in words. but this is not enough. wouldn't it be cool if there was an usb3.0 port on my head, where i can just upload my thoughts via wire (or maybe even bluetooth, and possibly get hacked...). and my thoughts would go into this itunes like program or some mac like video editing app, where i can edit, review and post. that would be awesome.

and i'm really lazy. at office the other day, we were talking about putting up a posting board for the group to post ideas or announcements and i thought, where is this going? apparently, the posts will get translated into text onto a website and announcements on the website will get printed and posted onto the board. so i thought, thats a waste of time, couldn't we just have a running display of the website instead of the posting board? we could have a monitor running off a low power pc in the hallway, showing slides. and again, i'm lazy, so i thought why bother even posting stuff to the website or reading the website, just send the posts via email to a daemon which automatically sorts, organizes and posts it for you and then have it collate and send a weekly newsletter of all the posts while at the same time, displaying this all on the monitor by the hallway. that, i think, would be neat.

in a funk lately

i'm suddenly in the poetry mode lately, bad poetry that is. i have no clue how poetry should be written or when to rhyme. i just write what i think and feel about a subject and then edit it to make it sound prolific to the audience/readers. that is actually so pathetic on so many levels. #1 nobody understands the crap i usually write in simple english, #2 they sure as hell won't understand it any better in jazzed up english, #3 and i only think its jazzed up english, for everyone else its just incoherent strings of rarely used words, #4 but who am i kidding, nobody knows about this blog and i'm just talking to myself while thinking there is an audience that cares... up next another poem i've been toying with in my head.

the truth

we lie because we are lame
because the heart so full of wanting
but our abilities so simple and lacking
so we breach the divide by lying
on lies upon lies ever since
till such is lost the one truth
the purpose for our being and
the question of where we are going

offshore account? or offshore non-profit company?

will this make a good way to send money abroad?
create a company in another country (limited), open a bank account for that company and "buy" services via credit card. Money goes to that "business" and it goes into the bank account.
will it get taxed? is there a way for the company to not pay taxes abroad?
dunno la, just a thought.

Things to look out for

o3bnetworks.com - company that offers broadband to african region using low orbit satellites instead of landlines or standard geostationary satellites. Cheaper solution. Worth reading on.
kwedit.com - online credit for children for their virtual purchases... sounds atrocious but apparently makes quite a profitable business... worth looking into.