suck it up

be a man.
kick some ass.

... but this is hard.
she is always on my mind...

be a man.
suck it up! suck it up!

strange thing

its such a strange thing...
love can give you resolve to do anything for others,
even the act of denying it to yourself.

i need to think about it...
or maybe i just shouldn't at all.
lets see how long i can last.

the economics of the heart

pain is the currency of the heart.
it is the price to pay and the cost to bear...
for love in return.

meaning?

what does it all mean?
i'm thinking...
what happened? what should i get from it?
i don't know. i'm still in the dark.
do i regret it?
no no, i don't. it isn't really that bad.
so it wasn't a mistake?
it just didn't turn out the way i expected, thats all.
so what now Einstein?
life. it just goes on. try to keep up.

to keep or not to keep

there are things better off left unsaid... so goes the phrase.
why? i don't want to keep it.
would knowing something hurt more than being lied to?
frankly, i'd rather know. let me decide what is painful and what is not.
but still we keep... because, its not so much we are afraid of hurting someone.
its that we are more afraid the consequences of telling might hurt us back.
you see, we are all selfish creatures in the end.
so i guess its just easier and less painful to keep than it is to tell.
i have seen things go bad with just a few words and rampant imagination.
keep...
but people aren't stupid. eventually, they'll catch on.
and the longer you keep, the fouler it gets.
don't keep...
i don't know.
what are you not telling me?

pascal

a young man scrambles across the rooftop of a building. the rooftop was quite high, the building was over 70 floors tall, but vertigo was not a concern to him at that moment. for behind him, in hot pursuit was a beastly creature with a pug ugly face and stony skin. it had wings made of stone too but its really not surprising that it can't fly. so the creature chased on all fours like a hound, a very heavy sort of hound.

the young man was fast and he was easily putting some distance between them. but the creature had a way to gain the distance. it slowed down and lowered its body, as if coiling its limbs like a spring. then it launches forward with surprising power, hind legs stretched, wings spread out while in midair to catch the drift. the young man hears the course sound of stone upon stone as the wings snapped open. a gargoyle can't change directions mid-pounce, this is it, this is the moment he thought. his gauntlet crackled with blue energy as he spun around and swung his right gloved fist at the incoming gargoyle. instinctively, he shut his eyes while bracing himself, feet wide apart.

at that instant, energy surged from the building beneath him, through the conduits in his boots, upward through the conductors intricately laced around his well insulated bodysuit. at that same instant, a bolt of white lighting shoots downward and connects with his gauntlet the very same instant it also made contact with the hideous snarling face. there was a blinding flash, a blast of hot explosion, and a thunderous clap. shrapnels of stone and gravel blew apart in all directions. the young man was thrown back, bounced like a skipping stone across the rooftop and off it.

he fell freely for what seems like a long time, at an angle. onto the rooftop of a lower neighbouring building, he fell. the momentum must have been awesome as his body punched through the roof and the floor below it. it caused quite a commotion. fortunately, that building was old and mostly unoccupied.

he wasn't sure how long he was out but the moment he got around, galileo was standing over the him with an outstretched hand. the young man reached out and he noticed that his gauntlet was split open like a daisy, revealing his own hand. he flexed his fingers, nothing was broken, and let out a sigh of relief.

"that's the third glove you've broken this month", said gally as he grabbed hold of the hand and helped the young man up from the small crater. "good thing you had the absorber bandolier on too... otherwise, i'd be mopping you off the floor right now".

the young man hung around gally's shoulder. he was groggy and his ears were still ringing from the explosion but he grinned as if he could hear what his friend was saying. he asked, "wh-what about the gargoyle?"

"what gargoyle?", gally replied with a wink. "let's get out of here before the cops show up". gally flicked a switch on his belt, there was a hum followed by a slight sizzle before they both disappeared out of sight.

difference

the difference that makes no difference is no difference at all

huh?

what if it should not have been what it has become and what if something was meant to be but it isn't anymore, will it make a difference to ponder over where it is concerned if there was one to be made or does it matter not as it stands, never has, never will until something changes otherwise unexpectedly?
you don't know what i'm talking about right?
good, neither do i... i'm a well trained confusion after all.

learn or be uneducated

on friday, i got shitfaced with the guys at voodoo. it was KW's bachelor bash but we know its just a good excuse to drink ourselves silly. its been awhile and i've never been much of a drinker. still i held my liqour. eric was sitting over a puddle of his dinner, head down, hands clasped over the head, begging the fellas to fetch him home. nobody did. the rest were pretty much zonked-out from the loud music and 5-and-half bottles of black label. i was still up and walking around, and i swear, the skirts get shorter by the hour. i had my first and second drag because i felt, heck, screw-it... frankly, smoking is kinda "~meh".

still, it was a good night.

it was the morning after. i only had 3 hours of sleep and i got up to go to the post office to collect a "parcel". this was because pos-malaysia has a bad habit of delivering stuff when people are at work. still, i can't complain, it was a painless process and i had it done in a few minutes.

i was hungry.

the jelutong morning street market was behind the post office and i felt really good that morning. i had a distinct clarity in my mind and calmness to my soul. so i went strolling along the streets and stalls under a surprisingly hot 9am sun. it was good. i felt in control. i thought i'd have some prawn noodles then and got to a kopitiam. there were no more tables available so i shared one with an older man. his body rocked back and forth slightly as if stricken with mild parkinson's, so i asked him. he smiled and politely said it was habitual then bid good-day and left.

i thought about the events that transpired over the week.

i finished my noodles and sipped on my warm milo, deep in thought. an older lady asked if she could share the table with me. i smiled and she sat down. she was probably middle aged, had short hair, dark complexion, a slightly jutting chin and wore spectacles with pinkish hued lenses. she looked at me sideways for a bit, as if sizing me up. then she launched into a series of questions. how old was i? am i still studying or working? what i did for a living? i thought, mind your own business lady but i answered as politely as i could without revealing too much and wore an expression of mild discomfort and suspicion.

i hate sharing information with strangers.

but she continued. she didn't speak very good english but i think she knew what she was talking about. and she had an intent, that was to give me a piece of her mind (it was with good intentions i believe). i could tell she was a proud woman. first she talked about learning and that the moment we stop learning, we become uneducated. she talked about doing her part to communicate the benefits of living in malaysia to ex-malaysians that she happen to chance upon, so that they would return some day. she talked about how the media is misleading and how the government is to be blamed for erroneous dissemination of information. she talked about how people were ignorant to costs borne by under-privileged business-women such as herself (this was after i asked if she used to be a teacher). she also told me about an accident she had the day before where she got hit by a motorcycle while crossing the street and was rudely chastised by the rider for being unobservant. she talked about how the young and professionals despised the elderly and the lower-working class. she talked about ego.

my ego kicked in, i had to give her my 2 cents.

i told her that things happen for a reason. we might not like it and we blame and fault the environment, be it the governing body or the young and what not. and that the only people we can and should control is ourselves. and that life is short and we can't possible change the world in one lifetime. do not falter though, i continued. we shall do it in the next lifetime and the one after and so on. with such things coming out of my mouth, i might have been still high from the night before but it was a buddhist belief that i sometimes doubt. still after saying it, i felt some form of refuge in my words. self-deluding? maybe. but it felt assuring and i was calmer. she stared at me while listening. she countered my opinions.

it went on for a bit.

it started out as a conversation between strangers and grew into a short discourse on life. it wasn't long before i bid her good-day. she urged me to get higher education as i left. i smiled, thanked her and parted. as i strolled back to my car, i pondered... what a strange chance encounter. i have had a hard time in the past week but it was mainly emotional strife which led to me seeking respite in the bash the night before. and here comes along, a stranger who basically made me remind myself to learn from my experiences and continue moving forward. and my own self-re-realization that i need more self-control. and that things, all things, happen for a reason. did i really learn anything from her? perhaps i should be more open, i guess.

still, i'm calm. i'm steady now. i feel at peace.

but it never lasts... an hour later, my self-control was put to the test again...